Nikki’s Book Club - May Recap

Wow, what an incredible collection of books we have this month! Each one is truly unique and offers a fresh perspective. In this recap, you will read about self-awareness, mental health and money. Remember, it's not just about understanding these topics but about taking action. I urge you to dive deeper into these books, reflect on their wisdom, and then implement their teachings in your life. So, without further ado, let's dive into the inspiring world of this month's books!

Book No. 17 - The Stranger In The Lifeboat by Mitch Albom

Mitch Albom's books have sold more than 40 million copies. This is the second book I am reading from him (the first one was Tuesdays with Morrie). This is a story of those who survived a shipwreck. After three days, they spot a man in the water, pull him on board, and he claims to be God.

Personal Rating: 5/5

Opinion: This book is absolutely brilliant with a fantastic twist at the end. I loved reading it. It was so refreshing to read fiction after so many self-help books. Still, the book contained some important lessons. Here are 3 of my favorites:

• The distance between death and life is not as great as you imagine.

• Survive until tomorrow.

• The world can be a trying place, Inspector. Sometimes you have to shed who you were to live who you are.
  

Book No. 18 - The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga

A series of conversations between youth and a philosopher. Topics include self-awareness, happiness, how society and relationships affect us, courage, and change.

Personal Rating: 3/5

Opinion: The book presents a common issue most of us will face in life and offers great solutions. Unfortunately, the conversational style of the book made it feel a bit prolonged to me.

You Control Your Life

The youth complained to the philosopher about his miserable life. The youth did not want to accept the fact that his life is miserable because of himself. He brought up excuses such as how his family treated him and how society looked at him. The philosopher highlighted that the past might have an influence on the future but doesn't determine it. He preached Adler's philosophy in which he says "The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment". You are right; you can't change where or when you were born or who your parents are. But the issues you are dealing with are issues in the present and not the past so the above have nothing to do with your problems.

How to Take Control of Your Life

This is going to be a hard one to swallow: Your life is challenging because of your choices. You are unhappy because you choose to be unhappy. Emotions can be controlled. They are not happening to you. Choosing a lifestyle is up to you as well. You are the only one who can change yourself. Most people just lack the courage to be happy.

"To change in a direction you want, you need to have courage to sacrifice the pleasures you enjoy now."

Change is hard. It's uncomfortable. A lot of people don't change or give up easily because they prefer short-term gains over long-term ones. Let me explain this through a health example. People who work out and eat healthily are working hard in the now. It is uncomfortable. However, it will be worth it in the long run; they will achieve optimal weight and feel happy and energized. Whereas those who constantly indulge in food and prefer to sit and watch some sort of entertainment will experience pleasure in the now but suffer in the future. You need to be willing to sacrifice your comfort and pleasure to be able to create the life you want and to be fulfilled. The first step you need to take is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is accepting yourself as you are but having the courage to change what you can. Accept your past, whatever happened to you, the external circumstances you had no control over. But take action and change what you can!

Your Relationship With The World And Others Around You

A lot of people struggle with the thought of 'what others might think of me,' but guess what? They're really not that concerned! Believe me, you are the only one stressing about how you appear. You don't need validation from others. In fact, seeking approval is unnecessary. You aren't here to meet other people's standards. Those who brag only do so to mask their own insecurities!

"You are not living to satisfy other people's expectations."

As you begin to change and evolve, you may notice that those around you also undergo transformations. Some individuals may respond positively to your growth, embracing the changes you are making and perhaps even finding inspiration in your journey to enact positive changes in their own lives. On the other hand, there might be those who react negatively, feeling threatened or uncomfortable by the changes they see in you. In such situations, it is crucial to maintain a sense of composure and mindfulness. If you find yourself in a disagreement or conflict with someone, it is advisable not to react impulsively or with anger. Reacting with anger often leads to escalation and can hinder effective communication. As the philosopher suggests, forget anger exists.

The philosopher explains the key to happiness. It is the feeling of contribution. He said:

"It is only when one is able to feel that one is of use to someone that one can have a true awareness of one's worth."

Book No. 19 - Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? by Dr Julie Smith

Dr. Julie Smith has over ten years of experience as a clinical psychologist and was the first professional to use TikTok to give insights on therapy. This psychological book tackles everyday issues and provides practical solutions for optimizing your mental health.

Personal Rating: 4/5

Opinion:  Mental health is a topic very close to my heart, so this was an interesting read. The handbook provides the reader with practical toolkits as well as insights about important research in the field. I found that I tend to disengage and lose focus during discussions related to research. But again, this is just me.

Because I have gotten so much out of this book, I decided to use the book's actual headings/subheadings to provide a structure for this review.

On Dark Places: Understanding Low Mood and Things That Help

First, Julie explains that low mood depends on thoughts and external events. External events also influence internal state because experiences consist of thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and physical sensations. The common mistake that people make when they experience low mood is trying to look for quick fixes. Why? A quick fix will provide you with instant relief. Imagine you broke up with your boyfriend, went out with the girls to forget about it, got drunk, and the next day, puking on the bathroom floor, you feel 10 times worse than in the first place. You are back to square one. You need better strategies to combat low mood, but before we go into that, let's have a look at some common pitfalls you need to watch out for:

1. Mind-reading: Stop thinking you know what others think of you.

2. Overgeneralizations: Just because something bad happened, your whole day is not ruined. Just because your girl cheated on you, not all women are like that.

3. Beware of musts and shoulds: Does it sound familiar? I should have done better. I must do this on my own. Perfectionists love to use these phrases. Let it go!

4. Black and white thinking: Have you felt that you are either always right or the world's biggest failure? That is black and white thinking, there is no in-between.

5. Rumination: Stop obsessing over one thought.

Ok, now that we know what is not helpful, we can look at what is. It is important to acknowledge that we can't stop negative thoughts from entering our mind, but we can respond to them in a positive way. When you have a low mood, it's impossible to choose to do the right thing. So choose to do something that at least moves you towards that direction. Julie introduces the cross-sectional formulation that is used in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). This model helps in understanding the relationship between your thoughts and behaviors. On the following website, you can find an explanation and a blank template of the model: Think CBT - How to Use the Cross-sectional CBT Model. Julie suggests the following strategies to help you combat low mood:

• Practice mindfulness - Pay attention to the present moment with awareness of thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment and distraction.

• Practice gratefulness.

• Practice positive self-talk.

• Stay consistent - Having a routine can help.

• Socialize - Spend time with people you love.

• Exercise - Exercise increases dopamine levels (your happiness hormones). Working out in nature has more healing power. Make sure you choose to do something you enjoy.

• Sleep - To optimize your sleep, work out in the morning and relax at night. Have a warm bath or shower before bed. When you wake up, go out in the light and spend 30 minutes there, but at night, turn down lights and brightness of screens. Sort problems out during the day and write down your worries before bed. Avoid caffeine in the afternoon and evening.

• Eat well - Japanese, Mediterranean, and Norwegian diets are recommended. Eat whole, unprocessed food, healthy fats, and whole grains.

On Motivation

People are waiting for some inspiration to motivate them to act, but sometimes you need to act first and motivation will follow. For example, working out or even just going for a walk can motivate you. Reconnecting with your goals on a daily basis will keep you motivated too. Make sure you check in at the end of the day and ask yourself: What did I do today to get closer to my goals? What are my values? What person do I want to become? Make sure you break down your goals into smaller tasks; large tasks can be demotivating.

It is easier said than done, I know. There are temptations along the way, but we must resist them. You can only do this if you are not stressed. So make sure you sleep well and keep your body healthy with exercise and nutritious food. If you just can't be bothered doing things and want a quick fix, make sure you do the opposite of the urge. For example, if you can't be bothered to go to the gym and you just want to eat something greasy or sweet, eat, but eat something healthy. Building habits and planning ahead can help you with temptations. Write down all the challenges you have and what makes you unmotivated, then come up with an action plan for those situations.

Finally, celebrate small wins. Reward yourself and practice gratitude. Instead of 'I have to' say 'I get to'. Just watch how this small change in your vocabulary can supercharge your motivation.

On Emotional Pain

You need to treat your emotions carefully. Some people don't want to deal with difficult emotions. They push these emotions away instead of letting them go through them. You should know that your emotions are not facts. They are just indicators of your perspective on a situation. A lot of people cannot even identify their emotions correctly. They say they are sad, but in reality, they are bored, sleepy, or lonely. We should all increase our emotional vocabulary. The wheel below should help you with this.

When a distressing emotion is too much to handle, use soothing techniques.

• Take a warm bath

• Have a hot drink

• Chat with someone

• Move your body

• Listen to calming music

• Practice slow breathing

• Don't just concentrate on negative emotions

When you are supporting someone who is going through a hard time, here are some tips:

• Just be there and listen. Don't tell them what to do.

• Show that you care. Keep checking in.

• Learn about their diagnosis/problem.

• Ask how they want to be supported.

• Prioritize your own health. Get support for yourself when you need it.

• Set boundaries.

• Listen and use open questions.

• Help with daily tasks.

• Be honest.

• It is okay to steer the conversation, to distract.

On Grief

Grief is a reaction to something ending. It is a part of life, a normal part of the human experience. It is said that there are different stages/processes of grief:

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Please know that it is completely okay to go back and forth between these stages. It’s also important to know that it’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel in the moment of grief. There are four things you can do to work through grief:

• Find acceptance in the new reality.

• Work through the pain.

• Adjust the environment.

• Find a way to keep your connection to them in a new way.

Take small steps forward, but don't have expectations around the progression. Express yourself, don't stay quiet. Write down your feelings or talk it out with someone you love. Psychotherapist Dr. Julia Samuel highlights eight principles to remember when dealing with grief, also known as the Eight Pillars of Strength:

1. Find new ways to connect with the person who died.

2. Look after your health and well-being while you are grieving.

3. Express your grief.

4. Allow as much time as you need - there are no expectations.

5. Look after your mind and body - exercise, eat well, socialize.

6. Set boundaries in place when it comes to other people giving you advice.

7. Have a structure/routine but allow yourself some flexibility.

8. Focus on your body, feelings, and needs - observe these closely.

On Self-doubt and Criticism

A lot of people start to doubt themselves due to the criticism they receive. They don't realize that those who criticize are normally quite critical of themselves as well. So the criticism they give is more about them than about the ones who receive it. People need to build up the ability to tolerate criticism. You should be open to learning from negative feedback. Decide whose opinion really matters. Criticism reflects other people's values, so don't be afraid to let it go. Know your values and who you are. Check the critic against these standards.

"Confidence is like a home that you build for yourself when you go somewhere new, you must build a new one."

Confidence is a cure for self-doubt. Often, people avoid doing things because they lack courage and confidence. But if you only do something you know, the fear of doing something new will just keep growing. People are scared to make mistakes due to the shame associated with it. You are not your mistakes. It is okay to fail. This is how we learn. What you need is courage, and this is what you need to build it:

• Recognize that you can improve with effort

• Be willing to tolerate discomfort/being vulnerable

• Commit to yourself/have your own back

• Know how to move through shame

• Build confidence by creating evidence of greatness (through actions)

• Practice positive self-talk

• Build self-awareness - understand yourself and your behavior

Make Anxiety Disappear

First of all, you need to be ready to face your fears and anxiety as often as you can. Avoid the following safety behaviors: escaping the situation, avoiding, compensation, anticipating what might happen, seeking reassurance. You need to ease anxiety. Next time you are anxious or scared, try to breathe in for 5 seconds and out for 8 seconds. You can also try 'square breathing'. Imagine a square, then with your finger, draw the four sides of the square as you: 1. Breathe in for a count of four 2. Hold for a count of four 3. Breathe out for a count of four 4. Hold for a count of four. What to do if you have anxious thoughts? You need to acknowledge these are not facts. Get some distance. Mindfulness is a great way to do this. You can also try to write down what you think and feel. Seeing them clearly you can fact check and decide how much of that feeling is actually true. Try to shift your attention and do not focus only on negativity. Do not label yourself as an anxious person - change to positive self-talk.

A lot of people fear death for a number of reasons. If you are one of them, try to change your relationship with death. You can do any of the following:

• Approach acceptance: Believe there is continuation - Heaven, reincarnation, etc.

• Escape acceptance: Once we die, suffering stops. We won't have to be in pain.

• Neutral acceptance: Accepting death is a natural part of life.

On Stress

Learning to replenish after a stressful period is more realistic than trying to eliminate stress. Here are some solutions:

• Breathe out longer, meditate

• Connect with others

• Set goals that contribute and do not compete

• Mindful walking, showering, teeth brushing - be present

• Awe - once-in-a-lifetime experiences

Try to change your mindset about stress. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. The right amount of stress can help you perform better; it can cause excitement and determination. What causes stress is the fear of failure. So, to eliminate this kind of stress, you need to change your relationship with failure. Be kind to yourself and build 'shame-resilience'.

• Positive self-talk - You are not your mistakes.

• Know that the feeling of shame is temporary.

• Imagine how you would talk to someone in the same situation.

• Share the feeling with someone you love - talk it out.

Remember, humans are not built to be in a constant state of happiness.

On a Meaningful Life

To build a meaningful life, first, you need to identify your core values. Below is a list of words that can help you. Try to identify a maximum of 5 core values. It is important to get clarity on your values to give your life a purpose. Think about how you want to live, what person you want to be, and what principles you stand for.

Then think about all areas of your life: relationships, health, faith/spirituality, contribution, learning and development, play/leisure, work. Write down how these areas would look like in your perfect world. You can also do the following activity to help you decide which areas of your life need attention. It is called the Wheel of Life Self-Assessment. Rate each area on a scale of 1-10 and connect the dots to reveal the balance in your life. Discover which areas are craving your attention and devise a plan to elevate them to a perfect 10. The power to transform your life is in your hands - let's make it happen!

Finally, a bit on relationships. First, let's address some relationship myths:

• Love shouldn't be hard.

• Be as one, agree on everything.

• Always be together.

• Happily ever after.

• Staying together at all costs.

Yes, love is not perfect and sometimes the fight just isn't worth it any longer. However, if you decide you want to improve your relationships, you need to start with yourself. Ask yourself these questions: Who do you want to be in a relationship? How do you want to behave? What do you want to bring to the relationship? If your partner's core values are very different and don't align with yours, it will be very difficult to make the relationship work. It is okay to disagree with what your other half does sometimes and voice your opinion about it, but make sure you do this in a respectful way. Concentrate on specific behaviors you dislike and not on your partner's personality. Reconnection requires acceptance, compassion, love, and gratitude. Gratitude always helps with conflict resolution.

The Psychology Of Money by Morgan Housel

Morgan Housel is a partner at The Collaborative Fund and a former columnist at The Motley Fool and The Wall Street Journal. This book offers a unique perspective on the relationship between money and human behavior.

Personal Rating: 3/5

Opinion: This guy definitely knows what he is talking about. Very insightful, great stories, but again, I felt I needed a bit more research on my own to understand everything. Money, stocks, and shares were always a bit of a mystery to me. So this book making sense to me shows how great Morgan's explanation really is.

Views on Money

Morgan starts by explaining that people make decisions about money based on their own unique experiences. For example, if you grew up being broke, you probably find it very important to save up and establish financial security above all else.

Morgan Housel highlights the significant roles that luck and risk play in financial success. Financial achievements are not just up to someone's effort or failure but they reflect a mix of skill, chance, and external circumstances. He says "if you give luck and risk their proper respect, you realize that when judging people's financial success - both your own and others' - it's never as good or as bad as it seems".

Morgan says you should not compare your wealth with others anyway. Not all success is due to hard work, and not all poverty is due to laziness. You need to keep this in mind when judging people. Be careful who you praise and admire, and who you look down upon and wish to avoid becoming. Not all visible success stories are models to follow. Everyone's financial journey is unique, and comparing yourself can lead to misguided perceptions.

"Beware of taking financial cues from others - they might be playing a different game."

How to Save Money

People want money because money gives freedom. People want to be wealthy to be able to have control over their lives. Controlling your time is the highest dividend money pays. Wealth is money not spent. Believe it or not, how you save matters more than how much you earn. Savings can be created if you spend less. One of my favorite quotes from Tyler Durden is: "We work jobs we hate, to buy things we don't need, to impress people we don't like". When you have less ego and stop giving a fuck about what people think, you will have more wealth and you will be able to save more. Be nice and less flashy. No one is impressed with your possessions as much as you are.

"Don't go broke enjoying life but don't hustle so much you waste time on work."

When you are wealthy, stop moving the goalpost - enough money should be enough.

Go out of your way to find humility when things are going right and forgiveness/compassion when they go wrong.

On Investment

Compound interest - go and research this. Compound interest is key, so invest early because good investments are long-term. Time is the most powerful force in investing.

When you invest, don't bother looking at historical data; it doesn't work like that. Don't assume that yesterday's success translates into tomorrow's fortune. Investment is not free. The biggest mistake people make is taking their money out when they see it going down. You will definitely lose money investing, but it is okay because it will be worth it in the long run. However, there are many things never worth risking, no matter the potential gain. So be mindful!

"Minority of things account for majority of outcomes."

Finally, no one can make good decisions all the time. It is normal for lots of things to go wrong, break, fail, or fall. Be okay with this. Always leave room for error - both physically and mentally.

And that wraps up this month’s reading journey! We’ve explored some truly diverse and thought-provoking books, each offering something unique.

The main takeaway? It's not just about reading these books but thinking about how their messages can fit into your life. Whether it's managing your finances or rethinking your approach to personal growth, each book offers something that can make a real difference.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on these reads. Have you found any particular lessons or insights that resonate with you? Let me know in the comments or on social media. And if you haven't had the chance to dive into these books yet, why not give them a try?

Thanks for joining me this month, and happy reading until next time!

Love,

Nikki