Nikki's Book Club - February Recap

I was just checking my notes before I started to write this recap post and I realized I am so harsh when it comes to rating these books. There were two in this series that I enjoyed reading, and I only gave them 3/5. Probably, I am just waiting to give 5/5 to one that will provide me with some life-changing revelation (like how to lose weight in your sleep or earn money while doing nothing—just joking, by the way).

Book No. 5 - The Big Questions Of Life by Om Swami

A lovely book that looks into all areas of life, providing you with some helpful guidelines towards a better way of thinking and existing.

Personal Rating: A very strong 3/5

Opinion: This is a great guide, and I loved how the stories provided examples of the teachings. However, I felt this book would probably be more meaningful for those who practice Buddhism, as the stories are based around that religion.

Attitude To Life

“The journey to a new life begins with a new way of thinking.” I totally agree. People want to be happy without realizing the choice is theirs. Often, they worry about things they cannot control. Om Swami explains this well through the 'Scrabble Example.' When you play Scrabble, you receive a set of letters. You have absolutely no control over what letters you get. However, it is up to you what words you create from those letters. Life is the same. Things will happen to you—both positive and negative experiences. You have no control over these events, but you can decide what to make of them and how to behave in those situations.

The book also talks about hard times and suffering. According to Om, suffering is not what is happening to us; it is how we see things happening to us. He also says that if you think good things in your life should stay, then you have unrealistic expectations. Everything will end one day, and this means both good and bad things.

Om also suggests looking at hard times as learning experiences. He explains this through the 'Butterfly Example.' Many would like to help a struggling butterfly out of its cocoon. If you did that, the butterfly would simply fall to the ground and die. Why? Butterflies release a chemical that strengthens their wings. Their movements inside the cocoon pump fluid into their wings, helping them expand. Without the struggle, they will not strengthen their wings and will not be able to fly. Similarly, we also have to go through hard times to develop ourselves.

Another source of people's unhappiness is thinking about past mistakes and 'what if' scenarios. The reason why people live in the past or the future is because they don't appreciate their present. Many people just get up, go to work, go home, and sleep, starting again the next day. A way to move past this is to give your life a purpose. Find the things that make you feel alive and do them every day.

Overcoming Loneliness

First of all, don't be afraid to be on your own. People who don't like to be on their own often have an underlying reason. Try to find that problem and work on it. I've heard this quote many times: “If we don’t know how to keep ourselves happy, no one else will ever be able to do that for us.”

In this part of the book, Om talks about spirituality. He explains that being spiritual means knowing that someone is always there for us. This way, you are never actually alone. You don't need to be religious to be spiritual. That someone or something can be the Universe, God, or some Holy Spirit—whoever or whatever you believe in, something bigger than us. To become more spiritual, you can start practicing forgiveness, selflessness, patience, compassion, and gratitude. Om said, "The more mindful you are with your words, actions, and intentions, the less aggression you harbor towards others and yourself, the happier you will be.” He also said, “Freedom is responsibility. It’s not an I-don’t-care-or-whatever attitude. True freedom is I-know-what’s-at-stake-and-therefore-I-act-accordingly attitude.” As I teach college students, I think about this quote every day. Sometimes I feel like I should tattoo it on my forehead so they can see it every day (I know... one would need a massive forehead for such a long sentence).

Negative Relationships

First, the book talked about apologizing. It said, "If and but have no room in an apology." When you apologize, you fully admit you were wrong and take responsibility for the consequences. An apology also means you regret the way you acted and are willing to do everything to rectify your wrongdoing. Another quote from the book: "No apology is sincere if you plan on repeating the offense." I think this speaks for itself.

Om also warned about being in a relationship with narcissists. If you don't know how to identify one, this will help you: if someone says something along the lines of, “That’s enough of me talking about myself. Now, let’s hear you talk about me,” then you know you are dealing with a narcissist. It's their way or the highway. They can never be wrong and will always put themselves first. The best thing you can do is to leave. However, I know it's not that simple. It took me almost 10 years to leave a toxic relationship. Gandhi once said, “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” Remember, you cannot change how people behave, but you can change how you react. Try not to get into an argument with a narcissist—you will never win anyway.

How To Respond To External Circumstances

Often, people think that if they live a good life, good things will happen to them. I hate to break it to you, but life is unfair. You should be good to be happy, not to avoid harm or suffering. “Whether you flow, float, swim, or sink, it is your choice.”

When something bad happens to you, your reaction is natural. You will act according to your nature. If you are calm and collected, you are more likely to think things through and act peacefully. If you are aggressive and proud, you might react quickly and aggressively without thinking about the consequences of your actions. So, if you don't like how you react in difficult situations, you should change your nature. Start by reviewing your values.

There is a specific section of this book that talks about grief. It says to overcome grief, you should shift your attention. I remember my mum lost her parents. For a long period of time, she wore my grandpa's wedding band as a necklace. She surrounded herself with their pictures and placed my grandparents' ornaments around her home. These were daily reminders of them not being here anymore. My mum was miserable. One day, she decided to take the necklace off, and she said she felt like she was lifting a heavy stone off her heart. Slowly, the pictures and ornaments started to disappear or were moved to less visible places. My mum became much happier. Since then, my little niece was born, bringing tremendous happiness into my mother's life. The book also says that loving someone is the best way to overcome grief.

How To Achieve Your Goals

Change your story if you want to change your life. A lot of people don't dare to dream big, and that is a big mistake! “Why just aim for the moon when you can land on it?” You have everything you need to achieve your goals. It will require determination and action. You will not change your life if you do not change something you do every day.

Some will be motivated by others, while some will be discouraged. The biggest mistake we can make is to compare ourselves to others. Om said, "The true measure of progress is not how well we perform in comparison to others, but how we are doing compared to our own past.” You should only compare yourself to who you were yesterday.

How To Find Your Way To Happiness

Your happiness, your choice. As mentioned earlier, your thoughts have a direct impact on your behavior. That's why positive self-talk is so important. How you see yourself matters much more than how others see you - your happiness and peace depend on this. People will think whatever they want. Everyone has their own opinion about you. They will judge you no matter what you do. The secret to positivity is to be real, true to yourself, and to keep things simple.

Finally, wake up! Life is short. Too short to regret things, to do things you don't love, to let people upset you, to let circumstances control you. Take control and do what you love. Live your life how you see fit.

Book No. 6 - The 48 Laws Of Power by Robert Greene

A very controversial book that explores different tactics and strategies of human influence. One of the summaries on the internet said, "this book teaches you how to cheat, dissemble, feign, fight and advance your cause in the modern world".

Personal Rating: 2/5

Opinion: Well, it is a controversial book. Some people want power; it is important to them. I am not one of these people, so I am not particularly interested in these strategies. Some of the laws are quite useful, but I felt some of them go against my very nature of being kind. It was also a hard read due to the tiny letters. I often lost focus too as there were additional notes on the sides of the pages, so I didn't know if I should read the main text or the notes first.

I read this quote in the preface of the book: “Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good.” - Machiavelli. How fitting.

I will highlight the laws that I found useful or interesting:

Law 1: Never outshine the master - Make those above you feel superior and do not go too far displaying your talents as it will produce fear and insecurity in others. I think this is particularly important if you are working at a place temporarily. I mean, you know it is not your final destination; you are just there from necessity.

Law 3: Conceal your intentions - If people don’t know what you are up to, they cannot prepare a defense. If you are open and honest, there is no mystery about you - people won’t fear or respect you and won't find you interesting.

Law 4: Always say less than necessary - The more you say, the more common you appear. When you are silent, people will jump in nervously trying to fill the silence and they will reveal valuable information about themselves and their weaknesses.

Law 5: Guard your reputation - Enough said.

Law 6: Court attention - Create your own image with your dress, personality, or quirk. Every time I think about an image, my colleague, Fiona, comes to my mind (I am sure she doesn't mind me mentioning her as I am about to say something flattering about her). She always looks so professional, hair and makeup on point. EVERY TIME! I just call her the super-woman.

Law 9: Win through actions, never through arguments - “The truth is generally seen, rarely heard” - Baltasar Gracian.

Law 10: Avoid the unhappy and unlucky - Do not take pity because they will unfortunately bring you down with themselves. Never associate with those who share your defects because they won't be able to help you improve.

Law 19: Know who you are dealing with - Do not offend the wrong person.

Law 24: Play the perfect courtier/The Laws of Court Politics:

• Don’t be a show-off

• Don’t be too concerned about succeeding - Gracefully achieve things

• Be frugal with flattery

• Create a distinctive appearance/image

• Alter your style/language according to who you are speaking to

• Never be a bearer of bad news

• Never get involved with bosses (in any shape or form)

• Never criticize those above you directly

• Try not to ask those above you for favors

• Never joke about appearance or taste

• Express admiration for the good work of others

• Be self-observant

• Master your emotions

• Fit the spirit of the times

• Be a source of pleasure
  

Law 25: Recreate yourself - Don’t let others to define your image for you.

Law 29: Plan all the way to the end - Think about all your actions and their consequences.

Law 34: Be royal in your own fashion - Act like a king/queen to be treated like one. However, act with dignity and not arrogance. “Do not wait for a coronation: The greatest emperors crown themselves.”

Law 40: Despise the free lunch - Free stuff normally involves a trick or hidden obligation. I laughed at this so hard. At work, whenever we do an evening (we do about 10/12 evenings a year), we get a lunch voucher...

Law 41: Avoid stepping into a great man’s shoes - Create your own legacy.

Law 45: Preach the need for change but never reform too much at once - Most people don't like change. It's uncomfortable and it makes them uneasy. But this doesn't mean they don't need change. Just do it one step at a time.

Law 48: Assume formlessness - Take nothing personally and adapt to circumstances.

Book No. 7 - The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson

Another controversial book, but this is more like a self-help guide. Mark argues that people shouldn't seek perfection in life. He says negative experiences are essential for our happiness. He talks about how to build our value system based on things we have control over (I will explain this in more detail and hopefully, it will make more sense).

Personal Rating: Strong 3/5

Opinion: After the first few pages, I wasn't sure what to expect, but this book turned out to be a refreshing perspective on life. It made me think about my own beliefs and values. I definitely learned some useful lessons.

What Does It Mean To Not Give A Fuck?

With Mark's words, not giving a fuck means being comfortable with being different. Whether you realize it or not, you decide what you care about. Unfortunately, we always concentrate on what we don't have and work on how to get there. “We are wired to become dissatisfied with whatever we have and satisfied by only what we do not have”. This constant dissatisfaction has kept our species fighting & striving, building & conquering. This became the norm. That dissatisfaction is our motivation to achieve more and more.

A Refreshing Perspective On Chasing Happiness

I felt Mark almost despises people who want to be happy all the time. He explains that negative emotions and experiences are essential for our happiness. Happiness comes from solving problems, from developing. If you don't suffer and feel pain, you don't learn. His example was how babies must fall and get up 1000x to be able to get up and learn to walk. Another example was that you must feel the pain of burning to understand you shouldn't put your hand in fire. If it wasn't painful, you would just keep doing it. Negative emotions are a call to action. They tell us something is wrong so we have to change something.

He talked about achieving goals and how people want the reward but not the pain that comes with the process. This is why you need to choose wisely. Ask yourself: What are you willing to go through to get where you want to be? His famous quote is "the joy is in the climb itself". This means you can never stop. This realization hit hard when I thought about this new health journey that I am on. I thought I will pay attention to my nutrition and work hard at the gym for a year then I can go back to my weekly takeaways, late-night snacks, and lazy mornings. I am afraid I cannot... They do say it's a lifestyle for a reason, I guess.

The Self-Awareness Onion

I write notes as I am reading. I admit, when I started to draw this self-awareness onion, it looked more like a female genitalia, so I thought I'd spare you from my dreadful drawing. Anyway... Mark says that our quality of life depends on our problems and the nature of our problems will be determined by our fundamental values.

1. Understanding your own emotions - Some people really struggle with the first step. You say you are sad but really you are angry or disappointed. Be specific about how you feel.

2. Understanding the reason behind the emotion - Identifying the cause of your emotions can help you gain control over the situation. You might have to keep asking yourself the question 'why?' over and over again to get a better understanding.

3. Our personal values - This is what gives meaning to our problems.
   

For example, you are sad (this is the emotion), because you are not rich (but why?), because you don't own your own home and don't go on multiple holidays a year and have to look at your bank balance before you decide to buy certain things (this is your cause/reason). Now why does this matter? And this is where your personal values come in. It matters because you only feel some sort of validation through material success. And if this is you, Mark says you are probably a very shallow person. His words, not mine.

Being rich also depends on some external factors (such as luck and opportunity). It is not entirely up to us. You are making yourself very vulnerable if you engage in values that are out of your control. This means your happiness will depend on external factors and not you. Other examples of bad values include pleasure, always being right, and staying positive all the time.

The Road To Self-Development

According to the above, our first step for happiness is to possess good values. As we saw, these are achieved internally rather than through external events. Self-development means prioritizing better values. Mark says "we, individually, are responsible for everything in our lives, no matter the external circumstances.” He also mentions radical acceptance: “We are not in control of what's happening to us but we are in control of how we interpret & respond to it.” I have seen this in so many books now. However, Mark provides a new perspective again. He says “accepting responsibility for our problems is the first step of solving them”. Some people don't get this. They think accepting responsibility means they caused the problem. Responsibility and fault are not the same thing. I explained this to one of my learners whose attendance was low. She said she doesn't like to come to college because the laptops we provide don't work properly and we are often together with other groups. I said to her I understand where she is coming from. Unfortunately, she cannot change anything about these things, however, she can change how she responds to these things. She could start bringing in her own laptop or take notes on her notepad or phone. She could also find ways to deal with distractions such as not sitting with her friends or putting her headphones in when working on a task. Once we had this conversation, I think she understood what I meant and her attendance did improve.

Sometimes, we won't find a solution for our problems straight away and that's ok. Mark says "we shouldn't seek to find the ultimate right answer for ourselves, but rather we should seek to chip away at the ways that we are wrong today so that we can be a little less wrong tomorrow". He also talked about how people tend to avoid things that scare them. He called it the Manson's Law: The more something threatens your identity, the more you'll avoid it. For example, if you know you are bad at public speaking and want to protect your ego, you will definitely not volunteer to give a presentation to a group of people. I feel like this is a massive issue in our society right now. Especially since Covid, I find that more people tend to avoid situations that scare them. Mark says that "improvement of anything is based on thousands of tiny failures". If people don't fail, they don't learn. Simple! Pain is part of the process. The sad thing is that people don't realize that the more they avoid these fearful situations the scarier these become. Unfortunately, fear, anxiety, and sadness are necessary pains we need in our lives to be able to develop greater emotional resilience.

How To Be Motivated

This is something I used to struggle with. When the alarm clock wakes me up at 4 am to go to the gym, I definitely find it hard to be motivated. I know I need to immediately get out of my bed, dress up and go, otherwise I am just going to hit the snooze button. The problem is that most people are waiting for inspiration, an idea to come that will motivate them to do something. According to Mark, we need to reorient our mindset. Sometimes we need to act first, do something that will bring us even a little bit closer to our goals. By doing this, we will feel inspired and that will create motivation.

Finally, this book provided me with a great formula - To value x, y, z, we must first reject non-x, non-y, non-z. Let me explain this to you. I am on a health journey this year. For me to value and achieve this new healthy lifestyle, first I need to reject anything that is not part of that healthy lifestyle (for example, late-night snacks, takeaways, an unhealthy amount of alcohol, laziness). I think this can really help with our decision-making.

How To Develop Positive Relationships

The book discusses healthy and unhealthy forms of romantic relationships (I wish I would have read this part ages ago). It says that two people have a healthy relationship when they acknowledge and address their own problems with each other's support. Many bad relationships are based on a victim who wants to be saved (but they cannot be saved) and a helper or saver who wants to save someone (so they feel important). The reason why the victim cannot be saved is that they can only be satisfied with themselves when they manage to solve their own problems. However, because they expect this from someone else, they will never do this on their own, so they will always be dissatisfied. The same goes for the helper. They want to help and solve the problems of others, but even when they do this, the other person will always remain dissatisfied because someone else sorted their problems and not them. It is a vicious circle you don't want to be in.

Also, for a relationship to be healthy, both people must be willing and able to both say no and hear no. Because without hesitation and occasional rejection, boundaries break down, and one person's problems and values will come to dominate the other's. For example, if you want to go to the park because you want to spend some time with your partner, and they won't go with you and instead just sit and play with their Xbox, but then when they want to go out when you don't feel like it, but you still do just to have some quality time together, then the other person and their wants and needs will slowly become more dominant in the relationship.

3.5

Let Death Help You To Reevaluate Your Life

Mark discusses Becker's theory on the physical and conceptual self. Becker argues that we live to create an image of ourselves that will stay with others once we depart from this life. He called this people's immortality projects. According to Becker, we have two selves - a physical and a conceptual one. The physical one dies with us, but the conceptual one stays alive in people's memories. This is how people want to deny mortality. Personally, I think it is great that we want to leave some sort of legacy after us. However, this shouldn't be our sole purpose in life.

Some of my learners come to me with what they feel like are the biggest problems of their lives. My favorite question to ask them is: If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you worry about this? It just helps to put things into perspective, I think, and ease your anxiety. When we experience something bad or have a problem to solve, we often cannot think clearly. We find it difficult to come up with a solution. It is understandable. We are very narrow-minded in that moment; just concentrating on the problem rather than the solution. My advice: Imagine your friend in the exact same situation. What advice would you give to them? There is your solution.

The book says "death is the light by which the shadow of all of life's meaning is measured". I love this quote. When we realize we have limited time on Earth, it defines and gives contrast to the experiences and purposes of life.

Book No. 8 - The Intelligence Trap - David Robson

An eye-opening examination of the stupid things smart people do and how to cultivate skills to protect ourselves from error.

Personal Rating: 2/5

Opinion: For me, this was a very hard read. A lot of scientific research was discussed and it was hard to understand these sometimes (probably I shouldn't have read this book in the evening). However, it did share some light why people make mistakes and it did provide some interesting stories.

Why Do Intelligent People Make Stupid Mistakes?

"Even the wisest person may act foolishly in the wrong circumstances." Intelligent individuals and those with higher IQs are more likely to accept biases and less likely to identify issues with their own thinking. They also ask for feedback less often than others because they believe they do things correctly and therefore have no areas for improvement. They attempt to prove their points because they believe only they can be right. Expertise can lead to automatic behaviors. If you have to go through the same checklist at work repeatedly, it becomes routine, increasing the likelihood of overlooking certain mistakes and errors. These are the intelligent traps discussed in the book.

Strategies & Thinking Styles To Learn To Avoid The Intelligence Trap

Practice Intellectual Humility

A way to avoid being wrong or coming across as stupid is by having intellectual humility. This means respecting and openly listening to others' viewpoints. To be able to do this, you shouldn't be overly confident in your knowledge, and you need to be able to separate your ego from your intellect. Admit if you are wrong. Accept if someone is right over you. Examine the facts, the evidence, and make your decision according to these findings.

How To Be Open-Minded

Stay curious. Approach everything with a beginner's mindset. Learn and don't be afraid to fail. Just make sure you learn from your mistakes.

Don't Believe Everything You Hear

People will bullshit you. That's just the reality. Some people love talking just for the sake of talking and do not care what leaves their mouth. So be careful who you listen to and what you believe. Below are a set of questions you could ask yourself before you trust in the information you received. Finally, listen to your gut. When something feels off, it probably is.

How To Work In A Team

The book provided some great information related to teamwork. Research says that too much intelligence within a team can ruin teamwork. Have you heard the phrase "too many cooks spoil the broth"? The best teams consist of 50-60% top talent maximum.

A great team needs a great leader. Robson perfectly summarized what leadership is all about: "Leadership is less about trying to be successful (yourself) and more about making sure you have good people, and your work is to remove the barriers, remove roadblocks for them so that they can be successful in what they do".

As a leader, you should ensure everyone feels included. For example, you should highlight people's expertise in a meeting, explaining why they are there. At the start, allocate time for everyone to contribute to the discussion.

Finally, as a leader, you need to lead by example. Have the qualities that you would like to see in your team.

Conclusion

Reflecting on my past ratings, I realize I may have been a bit harsh. Each book offers valuable lessons and insights, all of which contribute to our mission of helping people find happiness and fulfillment in their lives. These ratings are simply my takeaways, so please keep that in mind for future book club posts. Speaking of which, I've been swamped with work lately, so I apologize for the delay in getting this Book Club posts up to date. Hopefully, I'll have more time now to catch up on these.

I hope you found the reading enjoyable and gained some useful insights! :)

Love,

Nikki