Embracing Awareness: A Journey from Fixing to Understanding

The Struggle of Self-Fixing

For a long time, I lived in a constant mindset of trying to fix myself.

Fix my habits. Fix my reactions. Fix my discipline. Fix my emotions. Fix the way I showed up in relationships. Fix my body.

And if I couldn’t fix something, I blamed myself. Hard.

I genuinely believed that being “better” meant being perfectly consistent. I thought that if I planned something, I should be able to follow it exactly. No exceptions. No slip-ups. No bad days.

But life doesn’t work like that, and neither do people. I just hadn’t accepted that yet.

The Cycle of Self-Criticism

Instead, I set myself up to fail without realising it. If I didn’t stick to my calorie deficit, for example, I wouldn’t pause to try to understand what had happened. I would immediately go into self-criticism. I’d feel guilty, disappointed, and frustrated with myself. And then it would spiral.

“If I’ve already messed up today, what’s the point?”

That one thought could turn a small slip into a whole week of unhealthy patterns—not just with food, but also with my mood, my energy, and my self-talk.

The same thing happened in my relationships. If I got triggered in an argument, I’d react quickly, say things I didn’t fully mean, and then later criticise myself for how I handled it. Sometimes that frustration would even spill onto my partner, creating even more tension. It wasn’t that I didn’t care—it’s that I didn’t know how to pause.

The Illusion of Control

At the time, I thought discipline meant control. I believed that being strong meant pushing through everything without interruption. But what I actually lacked was space. Space to understand what was happening inside me before reacting to it.

That shift didn’t happen overnight. Therapy and counselling were a big part of it. They helped me see something I had never really stopped to consider before: I don’t need to immediately fix myself. I need to understand myself first.

The Power of Inquiry

So instead of asking, “Why am I like this again?” or “What’s wrong with me?” I started asking different questions. What triggered that reaction? What am I actually feeling underneath this behaviour? When do I usually respond like this? What is the pattern?

Slowly, I began to see the connection between emotion and behaviour. I act this way because I feel this way. Not because I’m broken, but because there is always something underneath the surface that needs attention, not punishment.

That’s when things started to shift—from fixing to observing.

Observing Instead of Attacking

Observing myself doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring about change. It means I’ve stopped attacking myself in the process of trying to grow.

Now, when I feel triggered—whether it’s around food, stress, or conflict—I try to pause. Sometimes I step away from a conversation. Sometimes I go for a walk. Sometimes I simply say, “I can’t talk about this right now; I need a moment.” That small boundary alone has changed a lot more than I expected.

Instead of reacting immediately and regretting it later, I’ve started giving myself space to respond differently. Not perfectly. Just differently.

Grounding in Values

In those moments, I also go back to my values: kindness, peace, being helpful, adventure, nature, family, and friendship. I ask myself whether how I’m showing up is aligned with who I actually want to be, not just who I am in that emotional moment.

That question has grounded me more than anything else.

I won’t pretend I’ve got this figured out. I still fall back into old patterns sometimes. I still have days where I overthink, react too quickly, or slip into negative self-talk. But the difference now is I don’t stay there as long. I can see it happening sooner. And even noticing it is progress.

Transforming Internal Dialogue

One of the biggest changes has been my internal dialogue. It used to be harsh and immediate: “You’re failing again.” Now it’s more curious: “This is a pattern. What’s underneath it?”

Over time, that shift has softened everything—my relationship with myself, with my partner, with discipline, even with setbacks.

Because I used to think change meant becoming a completely different person. Now I see it more as learning to notice yourself sooner, so you’re not fully taken over by old patterns.

You don’t eliminate them. You interrupt them.

And slowly, you stop letting them run your life.

The Path to Growth

If you’re stuck in that cycle of constantly trying to fix yourself, I understand it. I really do. But what I’ve learned is that you don’t grow through punishment. You grow through awareness.

And awareness takes repetition. It takes patience. It takes catching yourself again and again and choosing not to spiral.

But every time you pause instead of punish yourself, something changes. Even if it’s small. Even if it doesn’t feel dramatic.

Because progress isn’t perfection.

It’s awareness, repeated.

The Importance of Self-Compassion

In this journey, self-compassion plays a crucial role. It allows us to be gentle with ourselves when we stumble. Instead of harsh criticism, we can offer ourselves kindness. This shift in perspective can lead to profound changes in how we navigate our emotions and reactions.

Building Healthy Relationships

As we learn to understand ourselves better, we also improve our relationships with others. When we approach conflicts with awareness rather than reaction, we create space for healthier communication. This can lead to deeper connections and a more fulfilling life.

The Role of Mindfulness

Mindfulness practices can enhance our journey towards self-awareness. Taking moments to breathe, meditate, or simply observe our thoughts can help us cultivate a sense of calm. This can be especially beneficial during stressful times when we might otherwise react impulsively.

Embracing Imperfection

Finally, embracing imperfection is key. Life is not about being flawless; it’s about learning and growing. Accepting our imperfections allows us to live more authentically and connect with others on a deeper level.

The journey from fixing to understanding is ongoing. It requires patience and commitment. But with each step, we move closer to a more fulfilling and peaceful life.