When Relationships Aren’t 50/50: Navigating Frustrating Times Without Losing Yourself

Relationships are often idealised as partnerships where both people contribute equally. We hear phrases like “It’s a two-way street” or “Relationships should be 50/50,” as if there’s a perfect balance we’re all meant to achieve. But what happens when life throws challenges into the mix—illness, depression, career setbacks—and the balance shifts?

Sometimes, one partner carries more of the load. And while that’s part of being in a committed relationship, it can also feel overwhelming, frustrating, or even isolating if it goes on for too long. If you’re finding yourself in a situation where you’re putting in most of the energy and effort, you’re not alone. Here’s how to navigate those tough times without losing yourself or the connection with your partner.

1. Acknowledge That Relationships Aren’t Always Equal

The truth is, relationships are rarely a perfect 50/50 split. Sometimes it’s 60/40, 80/20, or even 90/10. Life’s challenges—like mental health struggles, job loss, or physical illness—don’t distribute themselves equally, and that imbalance can leave one partner picking up the slack.

It’s okay to recognize and accept this dynamic, but it’s also important to know your limits. Relationships are give-and-take, but they shouldn’t feel like one person is always giving while the other is always taking.

2. Separate Their Struggles from Your Worth

When your partner is going through a hard time—like depression or a lack of motivation—it can sometimes feel like their negativity pulls you down with them. You might even start questioning yourself: Am I doing enough? Am I being too selfish?

It’s important to remember that your partner’s struggles are not a reflection of your worth, nor are they your responsibility to fix. Supporting someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your emotional health or your goals. You can care deeply about their well-being while still prioritising your own.

3. Communicate Honestly (But Calmly)

When frustration builds, it’s tempting to lash out or withdraw completely. But open and honest communication is key to finding balance in these situations.

- Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example:

“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed because I’m juggling a lot on my own, and I’d love to feel more supported.”

- Talk about how their actions (or lack of action) affect you without making them feel attacked. For instance:

“I understand you’re struggling, but when I come home and nothing has been done, it makes me feel like I’m carrying everything alone.”

- Ask how you can work together to create a better balance. Sometimes, even small steps can feel like progress.

4. Focus on What You Can Control

When someone you love is in a difficult place, it’s natural to want to help them fix it. But the hard truth is: you can’t change someone else. You can’t make them see the brighter side of life, eat healthier, or stay motivated. What you can do is focus on yourself and how you respond.

- Stick to your routines: Continue pursuing your goals, exercising, eating well, or doing the things that make you happy. By maintaining your own momentum, you’ll avoid being completely pulled into their emotional space.

- Lead by example: Encourage healthier habits by incorporating them into your shared time, like cooking a nutritious meal or inviting them on a walk.

Even if they don’t immediately follow your lead, staying consistent with your own habits will give you a sense of control and stability.

5. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Energy

Being supportive doesn’t mean becoming a sponge for their emotions or letting their struggles drain you completely. It’s okay to set boundaries to protect your energy.

- If their negativity becomes overwhelming, it’s okay to step away temporarily. You might say:

“I care about you, but I need some space to recharge. Let’s talk more about this later.”

- Be clear about your limits. For example:

“I’m happy to support you, but I also need us to work together to keep things manageable at home.”

Boundaries aren’t about being distant or cold; they’re about creating a healthier dynamic for both of you.

6. Encourage Professional Help

If your partner is facing challenges like depression or chronic illness, they may need more support than you can provide. Encourage them to seek help from a therapist, counselor, or doctor. Sometimes, hearing advice from a professional can make a bigger impact than hearing it from a loved one.

You could say:

“I can see that you’re struggling, and I really want you to feel better. Have you thought about speaking to someone who can help? I can help you find someone if you’d like.”

7. Reassess Your Own Needs

When the imbalance in your relationship feels constant, it’s important to reflect on how it’s affecting you. Ask yourself:

- Am I still feeling fulfilled in this relationship?

- Do I feel like my needs are being acknowledged and met?

- Is this partnership helping or hindering my personal growth?

Sometimes, tough seasons in a relationship can be weathered with patience and love. Other times, they reveal deeper incompatibilities. It’s okay to evaluate whether this relationship is still aligned with your long-term happiness.

8. Focus on Gratitude and Small Wins

During difficult times, it’s easy to focus on what isn’t working. Instead, try to find small positives in the relationship. Maybe it’s a moment of laughter, a kind word, or a small gesture that shows they care. Gratitude doesn’t solve everything, but it can shift your mindset and help you appreciate the relationship’s strengths, even during challenging times.

9. Remember: You Deserve Fulfillment, Too

Being in a relationship means being there for each other—but it doesn’t mean losing yourself in the process. If you’re constantly sacrificing your goals, values, or happiness, it’s time to re-evaluate. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to shrink yourself to accommodate their struggles.

Final Thoughts

Relationships aren’t always 50/50, and that’s okay. Sometimes, one person needs more, and the other gives more—it’s part of being in a partnership. But it’s also important to recognize when the imbalance is unsustainable.

You deserve a relationship where you feel supported, inspired, and loved. If you’re navigating a tough season with your partner, give yourself permission to prioritize your own well-being while still offering compassion. And remember: it’s okay to ask for help, set boundaries, or even walk away if the weight becomes too heavy to bear.

When you stay true to yourself, you’ll have the clarity and strength to handle whatever comes next—whether that’s building a stronger relationship or moving forward on your own path.